Child Rearing

 

Should I send my child to public school?

This is a personal decision. I believe you have the greatest influence on your child in their hours with you at home. Public schools do have an influence, but yours is greater. Public schools have a worldview inconsistent with Christians. You will have to work in order to keep the Christian worldview in their minds and hearts.

It is crucial you spend time with your children explaining the Christian worldview. They will ask questions and you will need to get the answers for them. This interaction is important and should be on a consistent basis. This is true no matter where your children go to school. Studies show that children are most well adjusted when they have regular evening meals without distraction with their families at least four days a week. This should be a goal for your family. Our nightly evening meals were the most influential moments of my day as a child. I learned much about life and the Lord's desires for my life. I went to public school but was able to distinguish truths from lies. My father and mother taught me to respect authority and at the same time maintain critical thinking skills.

Public schools are not evil and the quality of education goes up and down given educational policies. If you want your children to be around Christian children exclusively, you will be disappointed in any school they go to. Even Christian schools have non-believers, no matter what the screening process. It is important to teach your children truth. The need not be isolated from society and the world system, but "insulated" from the lies of the world.

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Should Christians spank their children?

Clearly, this is taught in Scripture.

  • Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes;"
  • Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness [is] bound in the heart of a child; [but] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him;"
  • Proverbs 23:13 "Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. 14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell;"

  • Prov. 29:15 "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.

The description of the corporal discipline is not abusive, but loving.

Before I share how I spanked my children, let me share a few qualifiers:

  1. Don’t spank too young or too old. I believe that spanking should be done to young children, between ages 2-10. This is not a hard and fast rule, but is based on my observation of the years of effectiveness. Children mature individually and at their own speed. Your ability to understand your child’s unique development and temperament will determine your effectiveness in training your child to maturity.
  2. Don’t spank in public, in front of siblings, or their other parent. Children don’t need to be shamed, they need to be lovingly corrected.
  3. Don’t spank in anger. This will be seen as violence and in many cases will lead to abusive spanking. We are strong and can truly hurt our children. This should be avoided at all cost.
  4. Always help them to reconcile with you. Your child will develop shame if you don’t reconcile after a spanking.
  5. Don’t spank with your hand. The hand is a symbol of love for your children. Scripture teaches that we should use an inanimate object, e.g. a rod.
  6. Don’t spank for childishness. Only spank for rebellion. Childish behavior needs to be corrected, but not by spanking. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Foolishness is bound in the heart”- in this verse foolishness is translated also as rebellion. Overt rebellion needs to bring about corporal discipline.

The method of spanking I used with my children was a consistent routine. The following is the routine I almost always followed:

  1. The confrontation. I would make sure they knew that I knew what they did.
  2. Time of private reflection. They would go to their room and think about what they had done.
  3. The second confrontation. This was after I had time to calm down and they had time to think. This was a time for them to admit what they had done. I wanted to establish in their mind why they were being spanked. This was very time consuming especially with my oldest child who was very strong willed.
  4. The spanking. I would always tell them how many swats they would receive. I then would have them lie down on their bed and place their hands under their pillow. They would want to move around, for which they would receive more swats if they didn’t stop…they stopped. I then would give them the number of swats, usually 2-4 swats. This way they knew dad was under self-control emotionally. I put my hand on their tailbone to ensure them that there was no danger to them above or below their bottom. I never spanked by swinging wildly at them as this will result in hitting the wrong place. Once I told my oldest daughter she would receive five swats, she replied, “Dad you will kill me!” She survived.
  5. The reconciliation, I would leave the room and tell them I would be back in a moment. When I returned I hugged them and told them it was over. I explained that we would not bring this behavior up again. Often they didn’t want to hug for a while so I waited for them to heal emotionally. I usually would pray with them that God would help them to remember the consequences of rebellion. This reconciliation was crucial for our relationship of love and trust.

One last thought about discipline. You should see your goal as a parent as training an adult, not simply getting your child to obey you. They can learn to obey and yet not become mature. If you see your confrontation of your child as punishment you will be looking back at bad behavior. If you see your confrontation of your child as discipline, you will look forward to their maturity. Help your child resolve bad behavior and see hope of a future free from repeated failure.

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What should I teach my child about sex?

Your child needs to know that sex is good and that it is for marriage only. You should teach your preadolescent children the value and respect for others’ bodies and how to maintain personal sexual privacy, i.e. how to be modest. You should keep them from exposure to sexually explicit material on television or the Internet. When material is inadvertently exposed to them, explain what is going on and let them ask questions.

As your child reaches adolescence you should share with them the details of sexuality. They should hear this from you first in order to stay ahead of the promiscuous views of the world.

I think it is important for your children to know that you enjoy sex with your spouse. The details should be avoided, but it is very healthy for your children to know that their parents are sexual too. When you talk about sexual activity and the meaning of sex, speak in general principles of sex in a marriage. I would avoid disclosure of your activities even if they ask. Their curiosity is not an obligation to you.

You should explain the emotional connection that takes place in sexual intercourse. They will understand that sex outside of marriage is to be connected to someone with permanent commitment. You should explain the spiritual implication of sex. The Bible teaches that we become one through sexual activity. Note this teaching in 1 Corinthians 6:15, "Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make [them] the members of a harlot? God forbid. 16 What? Know ye not that he, which is joined to a harlot, is one body? For two, saith he, shall be one flesh. 17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. 18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 19 What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." The spiritual impact is clear, even when you have sex with a harlot you become one. Your children need to know that sexual intercourse can be devastating psychologically and spiritually outside of marriage.

Don’t share only one time about sex and then drop it. They will become more comfortable as you talk to them repeatedly over time and they are able to ask questions.

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